Long Overdue Update

It’s been so long, I feel like I just have to write. Feeling much better than I was when I began this adventure into blogging. I’ve shed some things that were causing me some undue stress, while adding activities to work on me. I joined a gym. I’m playing disk golf. I’m running. I’m even eating right again.
Let’s back up. After my divorce, my health spiraled out of control as I went deeper and deeper into depression. I didn’t give a shit what I ate, I was drinking heavily, and I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. In all honesty, I’m lucky I survived it. So while all that was going down, my body went to mush. If you looked at me know, you certainly don’t see a dude that ran a 4.6 40 yard dash. Most people see the dude that walks the 20 feet to the front door of the donut shop. I might be exaggerating a little bit, but I’m not proud of what I’ve done to myself.
So, as part of my healing process, I’ve made several changes. I’ve lost 10 pounds since I started my job, and I expect to lose much more before it’s all over. I’m playing a lot of disk golf, and I get better every time I go out. It’s always fun to walk about 3.5 miles while doing something you enjoy. The gym is nice as well. It’s depressing to see how weak I’ve gotten, but encouraging to see how quickly I’m recovering my former strength. I’ve also nipped my biggest weakness in the bud: food. I LOVE food. I’m the type of person that will eat when I’m not even hungry, for a variety of reasons. Lately, I’ve been doing a good job of keeping my portion sizes down. It’s the toughest part of this whole process.
I still haven’t made too many friends outside of work. I’ve discovered this is a much more difficult process at 25 than at 20. Until I moved here, I didn’t realize how much college influence college had on my ability to make friends. Without that forced interaction of us being in the same place at the same time, I’m simply not socializing near as much as I have in the past. I find myself going to Florence or Huntsville on the weekends just so that I know I will have someone to hang out with. This weekend I’ll have this huge house to myself and I probably won’t see anyone. Eh…I’m beginning to make peace with this.
Last but not least, work is going great. I’m getting a ton of positive feedback, and I feel confident about my future at this company. Also, I never thought I could be made so happy by something as little as an insurance card, but you should have seen the look on my face when I finally got it. One would think the damn thing was made of platinum.
I will try to do a better job of updating this thing, but it’s still new and uncomfortable to me. Until next time…

Little Neighborhood of Horrors

There are some circumstances of my new life that I’m not exactly happy with.  It’s difficult sculpting a new life. More difficult when one must deal with creating a new life without someone.  More difficult still if one has reminders of that someone everywhere.  That’s me, the one with reminders everywhere.  They are constantly in my presence.  Not that I haven’t tried to rid myself of little reminders. I’ve trashed everything I can think of that take me back to the worthless space in my heart and mind that she inhabits.   But it wasn’t enough.

My new life starts with my new(ish) job.  The location of said job happens to be three miles down from where my ex wife grew up.  As in, her parents’ house is that close.  I’ve seen her mother twice since I moved here.  I see flashbacks of memories, some good and some bad, that my ex and I spent together here every day.  The places I eat lunch during the work week? Those are the same places we would grab a quick bite every now and then.   Those stores that I’m interested in shopping in? They’ve already swiped my plastic in the past.  The restaurants and bars I’d like to go to on occasion? We’ve already hit most of them.

Top it off with the fact that both of my roommates and several of their friends all went to high school with her.  It is as though I have stumbled into my own personal Twilight Zone…one where no matter where I turn or what I do, there is always a reminder of her.  I’m haunted by her.  Not her, but more of my memory of her.  I hear her laugh.  I feel her touch.  I loathe her selfishness and entitlement.  I miss her warmth and charm.  It’s my own personal torture.  And the worst part about it is that it’s my brain that’s perpetuating my torment.

I try to act like all of these things don’t bother me, but I’m certain I’m not always good at hiding it.  I’m sure that I’ve had plenty of interactions with others, whether it was in the office or at home, that have indicated that it still gets under my skin.  It’s as though I attempt to walk around with a mask all day to hide horrific scars on my face, but the mask is cracked.  Through the cracks, people get glimpses of how horrendous those scars are, but can only guess at the full extent of the damage that is hidden behind the mask.  I smile, I laugh and make jokes, I work insanely hard and proficiently, but deep down inside I’m hurt, lonely, and wanting desperately to move on from her.

I believe that I will eventually be able to move forward without her.  I believe that in time not only my bitter feelings, but also my love for her will fade into nothing.  With the way things are beginning to take shape here, I’d bet on sooner rather than later. I am strong.  There is no obstacle that I cannot overcome. I have traveled a long emotional, professional, and financial journey toward a new life, and I’ll be damned if I let it all slip away because of a woman that eventually cared so little about me that she cheated.  So keep in mind, this is my therapy, and I will continue to improve.  Hopefully these blogs can take a happier turn in the coming editions, but I’m making sure to lay the groundwork for what’s next…

My First Blog Post

My first blog post…well, personal blog at least. I’ve just finished the most volatile year of my life. Getting laid off and starting divorce proceedings in the same month will tear you down emotionally, and that’s exactly what happened. I spiraled into an unhealthy lifestyle of depression. There were days where I wouldn’t get out of bed until dinner time. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, and if I did it was electronically so that I was able to hide the pain in my voice and face. I was miserable, and felt like my life was in shambles…and in reality it was.


For a year I lived this way. I made a New Year’s resolution to get a job and restart my life in a new direction. Well, in late February that’s exactly what happened. I got a job, moved into a great house with cool roommates, and started eating/living healthier. I’ve lost weight, and been generally happier. I like my job, and the people I work with. It’s a very young office. The site manager is only 32. We play pickup basketball games out back. It’s definitely very laid back. I’ve been relatively busy so far, and get my work done ahead of schedule. Work life is great.

The house is great too. I rent a room at a cheap rate, have my own bathroom, and my roommates are pretty cool. So home life is also a thumbs up. And my roommate has several cool friends, but it’s been more difficult for me to make friends here than I did in college or when I lived in Houston. Maybe I should change that, it’s been more difficult for me to make close friends.

I think a part of me may still be distant. It isn’t easy starting over. I really am making sure that I focus on me first. That being said, I sure wouldn’t mind to get a few close friends. I can still get lonely. But I can’t do that late night party scene too much anymore. I’ve had my fill of that, and often meeting people in that scene isn’t the way to develop a lasting friendship. I will eventually find a solution to this as well.

I am strong, although I doubted it for a time. I know now that I can persevere through anything that life throws my way. I am able to pick up the pieces and rebuild. This blog will be a part of me documenting it. If you choose to read it, I thank you for taking the time and interest, but this is most certainly for my own benefit. I will rebuild my life, and this is only the beginning.